


Glory of the Hole

by iasipspec



Series: IASIPspec [4]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen, Post-Season 12, Screenplay/Script Format, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, fan episode, or maybe you don't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 15:19:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10619661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iasipspec/pseuds/iasipspec
Summary: In order to preserve the respectability of Paddy's, the glory holy has got to be filled, much to Dennis' anger. Meanwhile, Frank decides he has to sleep with a "mature woman" (or, you know, a woman his own age.)[ IASIPspec. Season 13, episode three. ]





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, hey here it is, episode three of IASIPspec. Just so anyone new here knows, Charlotte is our OC/Charlie's sister who was mentioned way back in season one and never brought up again. So here she is. (She's more properly introduced, of course, in our season thirteen opener!)
> 
> For reference, Charlie has met his sister's parents prior to this episode. Perhaps you'll see a one-shot of this in the future!
> 
> If you got any questions, shoot me and Taylor an ask at iasipspec.tumblr.com!

 

**SEASON 13, EPISODE 3**

**WRITTEN BY DAISY**

 

**SCENE 1:**

**TITLES**

 

**“9:52AM**

**ON A FRIDAY**

**PHILADELPHIA, PA”**

 

**Over titles, the beginning notes of “Tainted Love” by the sleaze pop legend, Soft Cell, can be heard.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(singing loudly, badly)**

Sometimes I feel I've got to...run away I've got to...get away...

 

**Her shoes squeak as she is assumed to be dancing. We hear her moving things around, shuffling. She continues singing along, pretty badly.**

 

**INT: PADDY’S PUB - DAY**

 

**CHARLOTTE is in fact, dancing, terribly. She’s cleaning up at the same time, and has just finished wiping down the bar. She tosses the towel on the back shelf and heads into the men's room to assess.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Once I ran to you, I ran...now I'll run from you...

 

**She bobs her head as she enters the shithole of a men’s room. She’s checking around, perhaps looking for something. She looks in one stall, shrugs, then moves onto the middle one. She gives it the once over. Acceptable -**

 

**Charlotte makes a face. She caught something**

 

**She enters the small stall and kneels next to the toilet, looking at a small, perfectly round hole, bordered by silver duct tape, in the wall. TAINTED LOVE is still playing, and it’s gotten to the part where Marc Almond sounds like he’s orgasming straight into the your ears.**

**Charlotte sticks two fingers into the hole, tracing the circle. She looks really confused. She places both hands on either side, and looks through the hole**

 

**CUT TO: Charlotte’s eye, seen through the hole.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What in the goddamn -

 

**CUT TO: THEME, INTRO**

****

 

**SCENE 2:**

**INT: PADDY’S MEN’S ROOM - DAY**

 

**Charlotte is still looking at the hole, but she’s turned off the music. She’s beyond perplexed. Why in the hell is there a hole there?**

 

**She takes out her phone, and dials. The screen turns split, and on the other side we see a massive pile of bed covers. A grating default ringtone is going off and a hand shoots out from under the covers, grabs the phone and holds it a few moments, clearly weighing the pros and cons of humming the phone as hard as possible at the wall.**

 

**Clearly, con wins out.**

 

**DENNIS**

**(irritably, from under the covers)**

What is it.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Where are you?

 

**DENNIS**

Uh - I’m uh - in the car.

 

**Liar much?**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(still looking at the hole)**

Okay, uh, we got any plaster in the basement?

 

**DENNIS**

Why are you asking me.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Charlie doesn’t answer his phone. Like, ever.

 

**DENNIS**

I don’t know. Why do you need plaster.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(her fingers are back in the hole)**

There’s like a? Hole in one of the stalls. I wanna fix it, my parents are dropping by to say hi. Meet the gang and shit.

 

**DENNIS**

**(slowly)**

...hole..?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Yeah it has tape all over it. What is it?

 

**DENNIS sits up with a start, popping up from the covers, revealing his face. Realization is all over his face.**

 

**The glory hole! Of course!**

 

**DENNIS**

Don’t fill the hole!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Well what is it?

 

**DENNIS**

What do you think it is.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(sticking her fingers in it again)**

I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking. Did Mac punch a hole in the wall or something?

 

**Dennis makes a face.**

 

**DENNIS**

**(confused)**

Punch a hole? You think Mac punched a perfect circle in the wall?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I already told you I don’t know what it is, dick!

 

**DENNIS**

**(rolling his eyes)**

Charlotte, use your brain for once. I know it might be difficult for you, but can you try? It’s perfectly circular, has padding on it. It’s 3 feet off the ground. The _girth?_

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What?

 

**DENNIS**

Charlotte, for God’s sake, it’s a glory hole.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Okay, and? I don’t know what that is?

 

**DENNIS**

**(sighing)**

It’s for anonymous penetration, dumbass.

 

**Charlie jerks her fingers out from the hole, a horrified expression on her face.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

You stick your dick in here? To be sucked?

 

**DENNIS**

Yes. You got it. Right on the nose. Don’t fill it.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

That’s so weird? Do you use it? Oh my God?

 

**DENNIS**

Yeah, we all use it. Don’t fill the hole.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(disgusted, to herself)**

Even Charlie…

 

**DENNIS**

**(matter-of-factly)**

I didn’t say that. Usually there’s a certain type of equipment necessary for the process, but I mean nothing’s stopping him using it.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Stop! Oh my God! That wasn’t a question!

 

**DENNIS**

I mean, you never know what side of the hole someone might be on.

 

**He’s fucking with her, and we can tell by the smile of pure self-satisfaction on his face. He honestly has no idea if Charlie uses it, and for all he knows, he’s the only one that does use it.**

 

**Little does he know he’s only steeling Charlotte’s determination.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I’m definitely filling the hole now.

 

**The split screen dissolves Dennis’s side away as Charlotte lowers her phone. We can hear Dennis pleading over the phone as she hangs up.**

 

**SCENE 3:**

**INT: PADDY’S - DAY**

 

**CHARLIE and FRANK enter, mid-conversation. Charlie’s walking fast and talking with his hands, so you know something’s up.**

 

**CHARLIE**

No dude! You already banged my mom! Don’t try to bang my stepmom too!

 

**FRANK**

Charlie, you don’t even know her! You said it yourself. What if she’s the love of my life, just waiting for me to come into her life?

 

**CHARLIE**

I don’t know, dude, I think if she’s been married to my dad for 40 years then she probably at least likes him?

 

**FRANK**

But Charlie! You don’t know! You have no obligation!

 

**CHARLIE**

No!

 

**FRANK**

_Charlie!_ I wanna get _fucked!_

 

**CHARLIE**

Then why can’t you just go to a strip club or something and hookup with a dancer or something? You have a way with them.

 

**FRANK**

Charlie, it just isn’t the same. They have to be impressed by me because they’re being paid! Besides, nothing compares to having your way with an old broad. It’s life-changing, Charlie.

 

**CHARLIE**

Is it really life-changing to sleep with a woman your age, though?

 

**Charlotte fast-walks out of the bathroom, and doesn’t seem to notice Charlie or Frank. She goes around the bar, and is digging through the junk, obviously looking for something.**

 

**Charlie goes over to the bar and looks over the counter.**

 

**CHARLIE**

Whatcha doin’ there, sis?

 

**Charlotte glances up at him, and quickly averts her eyes, remembering Dennis’s implication about a certain hole in the wall and a certain brother that will remain nameless for the sake of anonymity. Damn you, Dennis. Damn you.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I’m looking for the basement keys. You got any plaster down there?

 

**CHARLIE**

I ate most of it so that’s a no.

 

**Charlotte is completely unfazed by this.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(to herself)**

Dammit! Where’s Home Depot?

 

**She shakes her head and heads for the door.**

 

**CHARLOTTE (CONT’D)**

Later, Charlie.

 

**CHARLOTTE EXITS.**

 

**FRANK**

She didn’t say bye to me.

 

**CHARLIE**

I don’t think she likes you, man.

 

**SCENE 4:**

**INT: HOME DEPOT - DAY**

 

**Charlotte is browsing the aisles of a Home Depot. In her hand is a box of plaster, some tape, and a plaster spatula. She’s no longer on the drywall aisle. She’s now examining the lighting section, entranced by the hanging fixtures, floor lamps, and disco balls. It’s quite the aesthetic.**

 

**Her phone goes off. It’s an obnoxious ring.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

What is it.

 

**Dennis’s voice comes on over her phone.**

 

**DENNIS (V.O.)**

Where are you.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Why’s it matter?

 

**DENNIS (V.O.)**

Charlie said you went somewhere.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I’m at Home Depot. Picking up some things.

 

**DENNIS (V.O.)**

I told you not to fill the hole!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

And I told you I’m going to! Look at me! Buying plaster specifically for the purpose of filling your suck hole!

 

**A woman examining fans glances at her.**

 

**DENNIS (V.O.)**

Don’t fill it, Charlotte! It’s my only source of happiness!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Dude, do you honestly think you’re fooling anyone with that? I’m filling the hole.

 

**DENNIS (V.O.)**

Fine, go ahead and try! My dick is in the hole right now bitch!

 

**MAC (V.O)**

**(muffled, in the background)**

Dude, are you still in bed?

 

**CUT TO: Dennis, still in bed. It’s 10:30.**

 

**DENNIS**

**(to Mac)**

Shut up?

 

**Mac shrugs.**

 

**CUT TO: Charlotte, back in Home Depot.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I’ll fill the hole right around your shriveled little dick, asshole.

 

**DENNIS (V.O.)**

**(shouting)**

GOOD LUCK, BITCH!

 

**SCENE 5:**

**INT: DENNIS & MAC’S PLACE - DAY**

 

**Dennis is now up and about, dressed, and still seething. He’s in the kitchen, grabbing cereal aggressively. Today’s going to be a cereal-in-the-Range-Rover morning.**

**MAC is lying on the couch, watching** **_The Simpsons_ ** **.**

**Because of course he is.**

 

**DENNIS**

That bitch!

 

**Dennis glances at Mac, obviously expecting a reaction. He gives none.**

 

**DENNIS (CONT’D)**

**(a little louder)**

That goddamned bitch! She’s the worst.

 

**Still no response.**

 

**DENNIS (CONT’D)**

Are you ignoring me or something?

 

**MAC**

**(shrugs)**

Do I like. Need to ask. Is it really any different than the usual?

 

**DENNIS**

**(in disbelief)**

It’s completely different!

 

**Mac sighs. He was never going to win this one.**

 

**MAC**

Which bitch are we talking about, why is she a bitch/what did she do.

 

**DENNIS**

Charlotte is the bitch! She’s trying to fill the glory hole, man!

 

**MAC**

Sorry ‘bout that, man.

 

**DENNIS**

**(snapping)**

What’s wrong with you?? You use the glory hole too! Why aren’t you pissed? Outraged?

 

**MAC**

**(indifferently)**

I don’t know man, I mean, it’s just a glory hole? Like, we don’t ever get anyone hot in the bar, anyways?

 

**DENNIS**

The point of a glory hole is anonymity! It doesn’t matter if they’re hot, that’s the whole point. Anonymous sex dude! We can’t give this up!

 

**MAC**

Dude, I honestly don’t really care. I hook up with the guys at the Rainbow anyways? I’m not really out to get herpes by getting sucked off by Cricket.

 

**DENNIS**

Cricket? Why would you get sucked off by _Cricket?_

 

**MAC**

He’s always hanging around in the bathrooms. You never know who’s on the other side dude.

 

**DENNIS**

Are you saying you don’t like the glory hole anymore? Help me out here, man, I thrive on shit like that.

 

**MAC**

**(shrugging)**

Closet shit, dude.

 

**DENNIS**

You’re no fun anymore, man.

 

**MAC**

Why, because I got tired of using anonymous fuck holes?

 

**DENNIS**

Yes! Exactly!

 

**MAC**

Dude, do you even use it anymore? The only people in the bar usually are old Vietnam vets with drinking problems. And they piss in the booths more than they do the mens’ room.

 

**DENNIS**

Mac, it’s the principle - wait, what?

 

**MAC**

What?

 

**DENNIS**

They piss in the booths?

 

**MAC**

Yeah dude. That’s why me and Charlie ripped out all the seat cushions.

 

**Dennis makes a face.**

**Disgusting.**

 

**SCENE 6:**

**INT: PADDY’S - DAY**

 

**DEE and Charlie sit at the bar, an ashtray between them. Dee is in the middle of telling a story, and apparently, it’s surprisingly funny.**

 

**DEE**

And I’m sitting there like, dude. It isn’t that big. It’s average at best! And he’s like, obviously near tears or something. I didn’t know what to do!

 

**She takes a drag after finishing this part of the story. She clearly thinks it makes her look cool, laidback.**

 

**CHARLIE**

C’mon Dee, that’s so cold!

 

**DEE**

What was I supposed to do? His n-

 

**ENTER: FRANK.**

 

**CHARLIE**

**(amused, laughing)**

Alright, Frankie! Lookin’ good, man!

 

**DEE**

What is this?

 

**Frank stops where he is, looking at his reflection in a shiny plate behind the bar. He’s wearing a silky, shiny satin shirt with paisley print. Its plunging neckline does nothing but project an aura of sleaze. Frank’s usually thin, fluffy hair is slicked down, too.**

 

**Yikes.**

 

**FRANK**

What’s what?

 

**Dee gestures to Frank’s entire getup.**

 

**FRANK (CONT’D)**

It’s fashion, Deandra.

 

**DEE**

That isn’t what I would call it.

 

**FRANK**

**(waving dismissively)**

You don’t know fashion.

 

**DEE**

I think I know it better than you!

 

**FRANK**

This is high fashion, Deandra! Ask Ralph Jacobs!

 

**DEE**

Who the hell is Ralph Jacobs? Tell him his style is shit!

 

**FRANK**

He’s a high end designer. This shit is in, sister!

 

**Charlie taps his cigarette on the rim of the ashtray.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I thought we got that shirt from Target?

 

**FRANK**

Target is high fashion, Charlie! It was 24.99. That shit’s not Goodwill, buddy!

 

**DEE**

It’s a waste of money is what it was. That shirt’s burning my eyes.

 

**FRANK**

It’s sexy, Deandra. You wouldn’t understand.

 

**DEE**

Who could you possibly be trying to impress?

  
**  
**

**FRANK**

Mature women!

 

**CHARLIE**

My step-mom.

 

**Dee gives them both a pitying look, as if to say, “Aw.”**

 

**FRANK**

Charlie, I already told you! You don’t know the broad!

 

**CHARLIE**

It doesn’t matter! Stop trying to fuck my mom!

 

**FRANK**

She ain’t ya mom, Charlie!

 

**CHARLIE**

**(yelling)**

Why don’t you just come to the club with me! No mom sex!!

 

**DEE**

Alright I’m gonna stop this right here. You realize no woman in her right mind would bang you right?

 

**FRANK**

Deandra. You don’t understand the raw animalistic nature of a mature woman. They’re beasts...deprived of affection and erotic pleasure for too long.

 

**Dee looks dead inside.**

**Never did she want to hear that.**

**Ever, in her life.**

 

**They hear the door open.**

 

**CUT TO: a nice looking couple in their late sixties or early seventies. They’re wearing matching aqua shirts with khaki pants: MR. AND MRS. KENNEDY.**

 

**CUT TO: Frank. He’s sweating. It’s time.**

 

**FRANK**

**(flirtatiously)**

H-

 

**Alas, his Time is interrupted for the moment.**

**Charlotte has only just now gotten back to the bar from Home Depot. She still has the plaster and shit in her arms.**

 

**Charlotte rushes forward and shoves her construction materials at Dee and Charlie, then goes and hugs her parents.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Mom, Dad! You’re here early!

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

**(good naturedly)**

We wanted to see you too bad, Charley.

 

**MRS. KENNEDY**

We’ve missed you so much since you left Jersey.

 

**Dee makes a gagging gesture at Charlie, who laughs. Frank is staring at Mrs. Kennedy, and he’s still sweating profusely. His skin is like, completely wet. He’s plotting out the hunt.**

 

**He’s exhilarated.**

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

Is that Charlie?

 

**He’s smiling confidently as he strides over and gives Charlie a hug. It’s a really awkward one, because he clearly notices the smell of cheese and the smell of still-burning cigarettes. He pushes on regardless though, because he’s a good dad, dammit!**

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

Good to see you, son! I wish you and Charlotte could have stayed longer when she introduced you.

 

**CHARLIE**

Uh, yeah, me too, I guess.

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

So how have you been? What have you been up to?

 

**CHARLIE**

Well, you know, the usual, I guess.

 

**His eyes become unfocused as he begins to recount his day, in a distant, monotone voice. His cigarette continues burning, giving him the appearance of a witness in a film noir, telling a twisted tale of a crime witnessed years ago.**

 

**CHARLIE (CONT'D)**

I killed a whole family of rats this morning. They looked up at me with those beady little eyes. They’re soulless, and yet somehow they pled with me, they said, “Don’t do this Charlie! You don’t have to do this!” Those eyes...they haunt me. I can’t stop thinking about them. Their screams as the bat came down, it-

 

**Now Mr. Kennedy is looking thoroughly uncomfortable, so he cuts him off.**

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

Okay! Good to know you’re doing well. If you’ll excuse me.

 

**He practically runs. Can we blame him?**

 

**CHARLIE**

I have blood on my hands...

 

**Mrs. Kennedy has taken a seat next to Dee now, and is attempting to make light conversation.**

 

**MRS. KENNEDY**

**(kindly)**

You must be Deandra.

 

**DEE**

**(unsure)**

Yeah.

 

**MRS. KENNEDY**

My daughter’s told me a lot about you. You’re interested in performing?

 

**DEE**

**(now exceedingly confident)**

Uh, yeah you could say that. I’m a comedienne, I’m kind of a big deal-

 

**Frank interrupts, taking Mrs. Kennedy’s hand and planting a sweaty kiss on her knuckles.**

 

**FRANK**

Welcome to Paddy’s Pub, m’lady.

 

**Needless to say, Mrs. Kennedy looks freaked out.**

 

**DEE**

Oh my God.

 

**FRANK**

**(almost hissing at Dee)**

Don’t ruin this for me Deandra.

**(to Mrs. Kennedy)**

Pardon our whore. She gets mouthy.

 

**Dee makes a face, clearly insulted. Being called a bird by her brother and friends, that’s one thing. But a whore by her “father” in front of a bunch of old people??**

 

**She clasps Mrs. Kennedy’s arm.**

 

**DEE**

I’m not a whore, Mrs. Kennedy.

 

**FRANK**

**(shaking his head)**

She’s in denial. She’s pretty much the bar mattress. She’s bedded every one of our customers. Even her fellow employees. Mac, even Charlie...

**DEE**

**(outraged)**

I’m not a goddamn whore!

 

**CHARLIE**

**(alarmed, apparently snapping out of his rat-trance)**

I haven’t been “bedded” by Dee! She’s a _HUGE_ whore!

 

**FRANK**

Both in denial. Charlie here, miss, got syphilis. Still suffering the effects, you know-

 

**He taps at his temple with his index finger, shaking his head. A drop of sweat drips from his scraggly hair.**

 

**FRANK (CONT’D)**

Poor guy.

 

**DEE**

Shut up, Frank! I didn’t give him syphilis!

 

**Mrs. Kennedy stares at him, clearly uncomfortable. She glances around for her husband and daughter, and are dismayed to see that they have disappeared. A dawning realization on her face. She is stuck with these people. These disgusting people.**

 

 

**SCENE 7:**

**EXT: STREETS OF PHILLY - DAY**

 

**Mac and Dennis are walking down the sidewalk.**

**Dennis is clearly still pissed.**

 

**DENNIS**

Man, she can’t just barge in here, take my money, and fill my hole!

 

**MAC**

Dude it’s not your money. You’re acting like she’s stealing it from you, we’re just giving her a paycheck.

 

**DENNIS**

That I wasn’t in support of.

 

**MAC**

**(smirking)**

You were up for it until your system failed.

 

**DENNIS**

**(angrily)**

It didn’t fail!

 

**MAC**

**(chuckling)**

Well, it didn’t work.

 

**DENNIS**

Stop laughing, dude! She’s not even hot! I wasn’t even at my top game! Besides, she’s a bitch. She’s trying to fill the hole! Who does that!

 

**MAC**

Why do you like that thing so much?

 

**DENNIS**

I just do, okay!

 

**He stops in his tracks, as if realizing just how dire the situation.**

 

**DENNIS (CONT’D)**

Mac, you need to help me, dude. You gotta help me stop Charlotte. Save the greatest artifact of Paddy’s. I’ll do anything.

 

**Mac raises an eyebrow and smirks, again.**

 

**MAC**

What are you thinking?

 

**DENNIS**

We have to make a stand. Do everything in our power to stop her.

 

**MAC**

Whatever you say dude. Whatever we do, remember you owe me.

 

**SCENE 8:**

**INT: PADDY’S - DAY**

 

**Mr. Kennedy and Charlotte are sitting in a booth, talking.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Should we get mom?

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

Oh, darling, I’m sure she’s fine. You don’t need to worry about her.

 

**Charlotte glances over his shoulder, and sees a whole ordeal is still happening between Frank, Dee, Charlie, and her mother in the background. Oh, the humanity.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Are you sure...I’m just saying my, um- my, um, friends can be a little...weird.

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

I’m sure they are, Charley. We all have our eccentricities.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

That’s not exactly what I mean.

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

Charlotte, you shouldn’t be embarrassed of your friends. Friends are like a second family.

 

**CUT TO: Frank, Charlie, Dee, and Mrs. Kennedy, still sitting back at the bar.**

 

**MRS. KENNEDY**

I’d really like to go talk to my daughter-

 

**Frank is firmly grasping her hand. He’s determined. And still sweaty as hell. It’s not even hot in here, and he’s sweated through his 24.99 paisley shirt.**

 

**FRANK**

Doris, I gotta know. Won’t ya be my gal.

 

**MRS. KENNEDY**

My name isn’t Doris, Mr. Reynolds-

 

**DEE**

You understand I’m not a whore right? I’m a waitress! A comedienne! Sure, I know some guys, but I’m not a slut! And I sure as hell don’t give them STD’s!

 

**MRS. KENNEDY**

Okay, okay!

 

**FRANK**

Agnes, I can show you a good time. A wild time. A time like no other!

 

**CHARLIE**

FRANK!! Stop trying to bang my stepmom!

 

**DEE**

Charlie can corroborate too! I didn’t give him anything! I’m don’t carry diseases!

 

**Dee touches her shoulder again, and Mrs. Kennedy flinches. She’s looking horrified right about now. Let’s see how Charlotte and her dad are doing.**

 

**CUT TO: CHARLOTTE AND MR. KENNEDY**

 

**Mr Kennedy is smiling at Charlotte kindly.**

 

**He gets up, patting her hand.**

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

I’ll be right back sweetie. 2 hours is a long time for an oldster like your father.

 

**Charlotte jumps up.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

No! You-

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

**(chuckling)**

I knew you missed me!

 

**CHARLOTTE**

No! Dad, you can’t go in there. It’s, um, broken!

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

The whole bathroom is broken?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Nothing works! Charlie’s trying to fix it. Something’s up with the pipes!

 

**He shakes his head and heads for the bathroom, but she follows him.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

I’m serious! It’s gross in there. We haven’t been able to clean it!

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

Honey, I’m sure I can handle a dirty bathroom. I’m sure you work at a wonderful bar, if that’s what you’re worried about.

 

**CHARLOTTE**

No, Dad, it’s-

 

**DENNIS (V.O.)**

Stop right there, bitch.

 

**And there Dennis is, standing in the doorway, ready to lay down his life for a hole in a bathroom stall.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

**(quietly)**

Oh my god.

 

**DENNIS**

I won’t let you fill the hole.

 

**Frank perks up.**

 

**FRANK**

Is she goin’ after the hole?!

 

**DENNIS**

Yes! Finally someone gets it!

 

**DEE**

We still have that thing?

 

**CHARLIE**

**(as if it’s obvious)**

Of course we do.

 

**FRANK**

You’re not filling that hole! It’s my only source of happiness!

 

**DENNIS**

That’s what I told her, dude!

 

**Charlotte’s parents are looking like they’re experiencing the kind of culture shock you get from being dropped in a country against your will and not knowing any of the language, because you didn’t even know this place existed. And really, how inaccurate of a statement would that be?**

 

**MAC**

Charlotte, you know the damage is already done. What’s the point in filling it now? The old folks are already here!

 

**MRS. KENNEDY**

What are you people talking about?

**DEE**

Paddy’s equivalent of the Cuban Missile Crisis, apparently.

 

**DENNIS**

This is serious, you bitch! This is my life we’re talking about!

 

**FRANK**

Deandra! The hole was all part of my little Jackie Onassis maneuver! Don’t throw me under the bus like this!

 

**Frank nods “discreetly” toward Mrs. Kennedy. Dee pulls a face.**

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

Are you chatting up my wife?

 

**FRANK**

Get a leash for your bitch, pal! She’s crazy for me!

 

**Mrs. Kennedy seizes the chance, and gets up, to make her escape.**

 

**MRS. KENNEDY**

I’m going to go sit in the car.

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

Charlotte, what the hell is going on here?

 

**Charlotte’s had enough, apparently, because she seems to be on her way to a mental breakdown. But she has been working at this shithole for a month now, and that’s enough to drive anyone bonkers.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

My gross old boss wants to fuck mom through a hole in the stall walls, dad! Clearly! Obviously! And Dennis here is trying to stop me from filling a health code violation because he’s into anonymous sex in our disgusting bathroom!

 

**FRANK**

Hey, I’m not old, Charlotte. You lookin’ for a pay cut?

 

**CHARLOTTE**

WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE!!

 

**Mr. Kennedy is obviously uncomfortable. He looks between his daughter and Frank, then his daughter and Dennis.**

 

**MR. KENNEDY**

I’ll call you later, sweetheart. I- your mother and I- we’re late for- for an AARP meeting.

 

**Mr. Kennedy exits, leaving Charlotte looking something like a fool. She just ruined her own plan for how the day would go. Sure, the gang helped in its destruction, but she couldn’t even keep it together. Maybe Paddy’s has cursed her with the same chaotic, dark energy that the gang seems to possess.**

 

**DENNIS**

Nice goin’. Looks like we’re keeping the hole.

 

**He smiles a satisfied smile. He’s won this round, and he’s proud.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Is that all you care about?

 

**DENNIS**

Yes, entirely.

 

**Charlotte gets that determined look on her face again. She marches over to the bar, not breaking eye contact with Dennis. She grabs the plaster and spatula from in between Charlie and Dee, and rips open the box.**

 

**CHARLOTTE**

Say goodbye to tetanus sex, bitch.

 

**Charlotte heads for the men’s room, and Dennis seems to accept the challenge. He hits Mac’s shoulder.**

 

**DENNIS**

C’mon, dude. Operation Triple X is a go.

 

**They nod at each other, and break for the bathroom after Charlotte. The door swings shut behind them.**

 

**CHARLOTTE (V.O.)**

No! I’m doing this dude!

 

**DENNIS (V.O.)**

Over my dead body, bitch!

 

**MAC (V.O.)**

You can’t win this, Charlotte!

 

**Charlie is staring at the door.**

**He takes a final drag off his cigarette.**

 

**CHARLIE**

I gotta see this.

 

**He puts it out, and slowly gets up, then heads for the bathroom.**

 

**Dee and Frank look at each other, and nod. Dee puts out her own cigarette, and they head on in.**

 

**The door swings shut behind Dee, and all we see is the sign.**

 

**CHARLOTTE (V.O.)**

Stop it, Dennis!!

 

**DENNIS (V.O.)**

Not until you stop attacking my kinks!

 

**MAC (V.O.)**

Charlie, you got any of that bleach-beer?

 

**CHARLIE (V.O.)**

Yeah man, hold on a sec.

 

**DEE (V.O.)**

Pass that shit over here, Mac. This is getting interesting.

 

**THE END**


End file.
